I don’t want to be a hamster

I started running at the beginning of June.  I used to see people running on the sidewalk when I was driving and wish I was in shape.  I wished I was healthy, the kind of person that would just run.  When I started I couldn’t run more than 3 minutes at time.  I know, that is pretty embarrassing.  It was really bad.  I had to force myself to take another step.  I would walk 5 minutes, run for 3, walk for 5 run for 2, walk, run, walk, for about 3 miles.  I did this for weeks.  Finally I had built my running time up to where I could run a whole mile at once, then two miles, three, four.  We joined the YMCA, so now I run on the treadmill more than outside.  I wished I still ran outside, but I’m such a creature of habit I have a hard time going between the two.  I’ve lost a few lbs since I started.  I’m really glad for that.  But the truth is, now I think I’m running because I’m scared.  I’m scared that one day I’m going to wake up and be heavier, more tired, and have no energy.  Then I’ll do that day after day until every thing I’ve gained will be lost.  Now, I think I’m running because I didn’t like who I was and I feel like if I keep running I’ll get further and further from that. 
I’ve never posted any of my running times or mileage on FB.  Same reason I don’t post Bible verses.  I don’t want to sound like “Hey look at me, I run.” or “Hey look at me, I have a Bible. (or access to one on the internet.)”  I’m not saying that if you do either of those you are doing it with those intentions.  I think sometimes people do.  Not saying it’s you.  You and God know your heart.  Point being that I hesitated to put this little tid bit out into the world for every one to see.  But I wonder when I look at the other people at the gym. I wonder who feels like I do? Who is there because they love they way the feel?  Who is there because they hate themselves?  Who is there to please someone else?  Who genuinely wants to be healthy?  Who is trying to make it look like they work out and that they are just genetically predisposed to whatever condition they are trying to fix?  Who really is genetically predisposed?  Why do we sit around all the time any way so that we have to go run on treadmills like hamsters in a cage?  I’m going to get worried if the water fountains ever resemble the little bottle with the metal ball that the hamsters have.  You know how they stand there and hold the tube with their little hands and lick, lick, lick.  I don’t want to be a hamster.

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