Every now and then I allow myself to dream. What would life had been like if I chose to work at a real job instead of stay home and teach my kids? What would it be like to get up every morning and shuffle them off to school while I go sit at a desk somewhere, doing whatever people do that sit at desks, and wish I was at home with them (or maybe not.) When all four of my children are talking to me at the same time and my husband asks me why I’m in a bad mood and it’s lunch time and all we have really accomplished is preschool and half a math lesson and I KNOW I have to finish a good day’s work; when we haven’t done science in a week because the next lesson is an experiment and I keep forgetting to buy, say jello, and I KNOW we are behind in science; I let myself dream of such things. So I decided to translate working terms, office lingo, the jargon of the cubicles to the life of a stay at home/home teaching mom.
Let’s start at the beginning.
First I’ll give you the phrase you are probably familiar with then it’s definition to the aforementioned mom.
Maternity Leave: This is when the older children only do math and reading. School may take place on the sofa more than usual and showers are optional. There will be absolutely no play time while the baby is asleep, this is the only time mom is available to use both hands and will teach multiple children multiple subjects at once until the baby wakes again.
Business attire: Jeans, tennis shoes and a t-shirt with a sweater/sweatshirt layered over the top. This is the only way to get down to business by 9:00am.
Sensitivity Training: This is when you sit two children down that are fighting and explain to them that someday they won’t live in the same house with their sister and they will miss her. That they will always be friends with their sister and someday they will regret fighting with her all the time.
Sexual Harassment: This is when the husband/father (who is conveniently working from home) grabs the mom’s butt when she is cleaning up after lunch. She gives him the “it’s noon not midnight…weirdo” glare and no complaints are filed.
Working Lunch: Eating a PB&J while cleaning play-doh off the kitchen table so every one else can sit and eat.
Conference Call: Giving a spelling test while simultaneously making household/personal appointments on the phone.
Benefits package: No monetary value, infrequent recognition at best. Someday the world will see some of the most amazing kids that were ever born and someone will know it is because their mom must have been completely insane.