I realized today that Monday, September 19, was the 10 year anniversary of my first miscarriage in 2006.
When I noticed the date, and I remembered, it came over me like an unexpected flood. The tears poured out and I felt the same sadness as if 10 years hadn’t passed.
There is nothing you can do, nothing you can ever do. Yes, a new baby heals the pain. A perfectly amazing 8 year old that loves me with every ounce of her body is the healing that I needed. But, for just a moment I remembered the sadness, I remembered the loss.
Unrelated, I decided yesterday to start journaling my prayers for my children. I journaled this today even before I realized how close the date was.
This is my prayer for Audrey.
“Lord, I praise your name above all things. You alone are our provider. You have entrusted me with beautiful healthy children and I am so thankful for that blessing. Lord, help me to savor every precious fleeting moment with them. You are so good, God.
I want to whole heartedly give Audrey to you, Lord. I want to ask you to fully protect her, guide her and comfort her. Draw her ever nearer to the safety of your love. Help me to know her needs, Lord, so that I may lift her up to you continually in prayer. Give me wisdom that I might be able to parent her according to your will alone and not my own.
Thank you for giving Audrey to me and her daddy. She was the remedy for a broken heart, she is beauty from ashes and life where there was death. Never let me forget the beautiful work you’ve already done in her life and continue to use her as a vessel to do your good work. Keep her always from evil and cling to her with your great love. All these things I ask in the name of Jesus.”
God answered that prayer already today, that I would always remember the beautiful work he’d already done in her. When I remembered my sadness I was reminded of how good God was in giving me another precious person to mother. He knew how kind she would be and how she would love so deeply. He knew that she was just the right baby at just the right time.
Not every mother is given that chance. Not every woman that miscarries is ever given the chance to give birth and I can’t imagine the pain she might feel. For the pain of loosing what could have been is far greater than the pain of birth. I thank God every day that I had that opportunity 4 times, though 2 were lost. I am so sorry if you are reading this and still haven’t had a baby. The hope I can offer is that Jesus, the very real Son of God, knows your name. He knows your pain. He personally experienced the death of someone he loved very deeply. The Bible tells us that He wept. However, since He was God himself He had the power to call His loved one back from the dead. He has the power to call our lives from the dead, from the ruins. If the loss you’ve experience is to have any meaning at all perhaps it can be to bring you to a saving knowledge of Jesus.
They say time heals, and I think time just helps us to get used to loss. I think that though I might have forgotten the date and I let it slip my mind. I can clearly see by the prayer I wrote this morning that even before my mind remembered, my soul had never forgot.